(ramblings from my first night at the eco school in whanganui, on the north island of new zealand)
i have finally arrived to new zealand. in many ways, this feels like the climax & purpose of my trip. i picked this location based on looking at a climate map, & finding what was closest to the east coast of the united states. new zealand fits the bill, plus our winter is their summer/growing season. the permaculture design course that i’m taking here will be a review of the PDC course i took in costa rica but my hands on experience & readily available examples will be directly applicable to the climate & conditions i’ll be working with back home.
i cannot even begin to express what a relief it was to finally be able to unpack my bag, since i began my travels abroad i haven’t stayed in one place for more than a few days in a row. even when i was at my grandma’s for 3 weeks i lived out of a packed bag. there is something to incredibly satisfying & homey about having your clothes on a shelf.
settling in here feels like coming home. to look around the property and imagine myself sitting, reading, meditating, weeding, settling settling settling into routines. growing familiar. with the plants, the animals, the birds & insects, the surroundings. for my feet to memorize pathways & hillsides & my hands to familiarize themselves with the particulars of gate latches & goat udders.
it is such a simple joy & blessing to be still.
new zealand lives up to its expectations when it comes to beauty. there is something about these hillsides that is pure magic. i am still growing to learn its curves and am quite certain that while they may grow to be familiar, they are unconquerable. there is something innately wild & yet gentle about the landscape. i’m grateful for the ocean winds.
the space i’ve been gifted to live in for the next two months is quite beautiful. it’s perhaps 12’-14’ long by 10’ wide. i have to admit that when i first walked in, i was a bit shocked. it’s newly built by previous interns but was a bit dingy and dirty. it’s incredible the aesthetic and energetic change cobwebs and some dust can give a place. after a bit of a spit and polish today it is feeling quiet homey.
i am incredibly proud of myself for adapting and adjusting so quickly. my ability to carve out a small, comfortable nook for myself no matter where i am is such a valuable skill i have gained over the past 1-2 years. to think i used to literally vomit from anxiety every time i traveled or stayed somewhere new is astounding to me. i have grown so tremendously much.
in my journaling tonight in the midst of my ramblings i suddenly found myself giving thanks that my most recent ex left me. her exit from my life and these incredible journeys in self discovery, love, and unfathomable growth feel intrinsically intertwined. i found myself scarwling out her name & gratitude for her—but more specifically for her being gone, and stared at the page with curiosity.
i believe this is the first time i’ve written her name or acknowledged her existence without feeling something in my stomach. i wonder if i am finally accepting her role in my life & releasing my resentment towards her. all in due time, it is as always unfolding as it should.
i’m wrapped in a gentle yet strong gratitude right now. i feel completely calm & totally confident this is exactly where i am supposed to be right now.
on a more personal note, i am feeling a strong calling to eat better, to stay sober, and to begin running & being more active. my muscles are craving the movement, & i have a ball of energy within me looking to be released.
i am still trying to sort out my birth chart but if i am reading it all correctly i began my saturn return about 10 days ago. i still have more research to do about what this means & if i’m reading my chart correctly but i do certainly feel like i am coming home. so much is settling into place and my spirit feels like it is finally relaxing into my body. the connectivity is strong. i am seeking to nurse this rebirthing and be gentle with myself and attentive to my needs. i am observing my feeling, callings, actions, and reactions with attentive curiosity.
i am grateful. i am blessed. i am healthy. i am confident. i am joy. i am radiant. i am lucky. i am at peace. i am calm. i am happy. i am pleasure. i am divine.
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