(i’m going to start sharing bits of my other writing on here as well…)
everything hurts & i don’t want to feel it. the grief hits me in waves & knocks me off my feet.
how am i supposed to breathe?
how am i supposed to move forward?
how am i supposed to brush my teeth?
to not rail my fists against the walls screaming?
nothing brings you back. but morning brings the memories.
your hands.
your laugh.
your hugs.
your snacks.
your words.
your voice.
how you lifted me up.
how you brought me along with you.
the late night phone calls.
the wild dreams.
the endless laughter.
the galloping hoofbeats.
where does it all go?
what do i do with all this?
how do i find you?
where did you end up?
what did you become?
last night i ran into the woods & starting frantically digging.
running the soil though my fingers asking if you decayed there.
i ran into the wind until my lungs were collapsing.
whispered into my soul searching for you.
i crawl around on my hands & knees, clawing my fingertips & kneecaps bloody. i grab & scramble & run my fingers across saddles & bandages & lost time & missed phone calls & never you.
i can’t imagine being 50 without you by my side.
right now, i can’t even imagine the next 50 breathes without you answering your phone.
there was never enough time & yet i wasted it.
i do anything & everything i can to avoid these feelings.
but at the end of the day, or the longest of dark nights, they’re all that i have.
echos.
memories.
scraps.
so i put on the sad song.
i look through your old pictures.
& i let the tears fall where they’re supposed to—still reaching for you.
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