I’ve had one ex who killed my cat & cheated on me with and then left me for my best friend, one who moved in with someone who sexually assaulted me shortly after I disclosed to her about the incident, and one who left me for the woman she cheated on me with, then proceeded to drop out of college to travel around Thailand with her. So, to say the least, I’ve had some practice in letting go. How have I managed to not go insane? Here are some insights and tips that I’ve discovered along the way. As always, take what you want, leave what doesn’t work, and don’t compare yourself or your progress to me or any other individual. You are on your own healing journey, your feelings are valid, and your circumstances are unique. Honor yourself, your emotions, your experiences, and your path.
Give them their humanity back
Your ex may be an asshole but they are still an autonomous human who is deserving or such recognition. You do not own them, are not entitled to their time or space, and must respect that they are on their own path in life. You may not agree with what they did or how they treated you, or how or why they left, but they still had every right to, just like you have every right to move on and cope however you see fit. You wouldn’t want them controlling or judging your behavior, do your best to not do that to them. Think of them and the situation as if it were a close friend of yours. What if your best friend cheated on their partner, left them, and was really happy with someone new? I mean yeah, you might judge them a little, you might even give them a little speech about morals, finding themselves, whatever, but ultimately you’d let it work itself out and would support them and their happiness, even if you didn’t fully agree with it. Now turn this thinking to your ex. Harder, I know, but it’s the same shit. You might not think it’s the best path for them, you may think what they did was shitty or reflects some of their flaws, but ultimately you have to give them the space and autonomy to do whatever they think is best given their perspective and situation.
Recognize the lessons they taught you
Sometimes lessons come in the form of learning what you don’t want, who you don’t want to be, or the kind of relationship you don’t want to ever engage in again. Whether they taught you that you need to stand up for yourself and articulate your needs more, that you never want to do non-monogamy again, or that you should listen to your gut when you start seeing red flags, recognize the ways in which they have help you grow and form your perspective on yourself and future relationships. Often times the most important lessons are the most painful ones to learn. & they’re not always bad! Remember this was a person you connected with and admired, someone who at some point made you feel really good. Maybe they helped you boost your self-confidence, encouraged you to quit your shitty job and find your happiness, or taught you how to cook your favorite meal. Maybe they fucked you over and you learned what you do not want in your next partner. Whatever the lessons and however they came to you, be thankful for the opportunities to learn about yourself, how you interact with others, and ultimately grow.
Stop comparing yourself to them, or their new partner(s)
A trusted friend once said to me “just because your ex left you for someone else doesn’t mean they’re better than you, in fact it probably means they’re worse because they’re good for your shitty ex.” Okay so it’s drenched in a little negativity, but sometimes that helps. Whenever I find myself comparing myself or what I’m doing to an ex’s new partner or what they’re doing together, I remind myself to find happiness where I am, and in what I’m doing. Sometimes I’m driving along having a great day, singing and laughing to a song I love, and suddenly a thought crosses my mind and I find myself dragged down into negativity and jealousy. In these moments I remind myself that I was just having fun and have been really happy with where I am. So what I might be in Texas while they’re in Thailand, I have friends here that I love, there’s beauty all around me, and the sun is shining. There is nothing better or worse about what I’m doing vs. what they’re doing if it’s making me happy. And if I’m doing something that isn’t making me happy, well shit, it’s about time to change that.
Remember to celebrate queer love
We as queers have a long (& ongoing) history of being told our love isn’t valid. No matter how shitty your partner was/is, no matter how much they hurt you, remember to celebrate the love you had & made together, and if it applies, try to honor the love they have now. Even if it makes your stomach churn or your head spin with jealousy, remember that the world will always be a better place when we send good energy toward queer relationships in general. Okay I know, this is asking way, way more than more people are capable of handling, and trust me, I’m not there yet either. But whenever I find myself cursing an ex and their current partner, I gently remind myself that on principle, I do not want to be sending negativity toward any queers. This isn’t to say that queers can’t dislike, disagree with, or even hate each other, of course we are capable of that and it is also valid. This is to say, however, that if you’re able, try to push yourself toward acceptance of what they have found. All love is valid, and queer love especially needs this validation. (For my hetero folks, I guess just remember to celebrate love in general. No matter how painful it is for you, it is still a beautiful thing.)
Nothing belongs to you, nothing is permanent
Not even this beautiful life you live. Everything is passing, fleeting, evolving, changing, and endings are a part of that. The comforting part of this, however, is that the pain you are feeling is also temporary. While it may always be a part of you, it will fade with time. We have a tendency to get so wrapped up in relationships and put so much unnecessary importance on them. Yes, of course, love is a powerful, magical, life-changing force, but relationships are always temporary. Even if you end up with someone for the rest of your life, you’re both going to die. Nothing is truly “forever” (cheery thoughts, I know). There was a “you” before this relationship and there is & will be a “you” after it too. Think about your first love, your first heartbreak, your high school sweetheart, or even your elementary school heartthrob. Remember how all-encompassing that felt? Remember how you were sure you wouldn’t survive without them? How that person was your whole universe and your world revolved around them? Now reflect back on that person, that situation. I know I still adore the relationship I had with my high school sweetheart, but shit am I glad I’m not with him today. Things come together when they are supposed to & come to a close when they are supposed to. Let everything run its course and enter into every new situation, romantic and otherwise, with the understanding that it too will pass. We seem to have no problem understanding this when it comes to having pets, getting a puppy knowing it will inevitably someday die, yet we have such different expectations when it comes to relationships. Learning to let go, and learning to enter into new situations with the understanding of them temporality, is one of the most useful skills we can teach ourselves. There’s a reason why Buddhism puts so much emphasis on this.
The universe has a plan for you, and it is unfolding as it should
How many times in your life has something happened, fallen apart, stopped, changed, and in turn something else, possibly even something more perfect and beautiful, has formed in its place? There is no such thing as coincidence, only the universe (or god or the cosmos or however you want to visualize/articulate that) putting you exactly where you need to be, giving you exactly when you need to have, and teaching you exactly what you need to learn. It might not make sense now, it usually doesn’t when you’re in the thick of it, but one day you will look back on this and see so clearly how it shifted your trajectory to land you right where you should and were destined to end up. When feelings, thoughts, and your current situation get you down, lean into this larger truth and let it hold you. There is always something bigger at play, try to trust that your path is leading you to ultimate happiness, contentment, and peace.
Give all that wasted energy back to yourself
How much time have you spent dwelling on what they did, didn’t do, how they did it, who they did it with, etc. etc.? How much have you gained from that? Probably not much, I’d go so far as to guess literally nothing good, maybe a migraine, stomachache, and hangover. Now what if you took all that time, energy, money even, and invested it in yourself and your happiness? What if all that time you spent learning something new, reading those books you’ve been wanting to get to, exploring a new nature trail, working out, or traveling? A lot of the time we come out of a relationship feeling bitter about how much we gave to that person, which is useless twofold. First of all, stop regretting giving to someone that you loved and cared for, if you put conditions on your generosity you shouldn’t be giving in the first place. Secondly, you’re wasting your precious time and energy on something that should be in the past. Invest in yourself, in your future, in your happiness.
Let go of right and wrong
My therapist pushed me to stop seeing right/wrong as ultimatums and instead see them as social constructs (shout out to my feminist and sociology folks, you know what’s up). Ready for your mind to be fucked and your world to get turned on its head? Apply this to every part of your life. There is no right or wrong, just people having experiences and making the best decision they are capable of given their perspective and understanding of their situation. So maybe my ex fell madly in love while still dating me and even though she said she knew she needed to be single for the first time in her adult life, she caved into those powerful feelings. Yeah, sucks for me, but only because I had projected a future onto her, had felt that she was somehow obligated to me, had assumed I had control over her/her feelings/our relationship/the universe’s plan for both of us. I spent a lot of time thinking she was wrong, and it didn’t get or give me shit. Once I started seeing her decisions as simply being the best she could muster given the information and experiences she had at the time, I found a lot more room in my heart for forgiveness, acceptance, and understanding. Remember how I said to think of your ex like your (platonic) best friend? Carry that idea into this concept. Be gentle, and recognize that we are all just bumbling fools trying to make the best choices we know how given what is in front of us and inside of us.
Live your best life
It’s hard to feel shitty about someone else when you’re constantly preoccupied with your own happiness. It’s also hard to be jealous of anyone else when you’re elated by your own life. Are you feeling inadequate, unlovable, jealous, or anything else that puts you down and/or holds someone else up? Great, take that and use it. Don’t wallow around in self-pity and sorrow (edit: you have full permission to wallow around in self-pity and sorrow, just keep it brief and make it constructive) make a list of changes you want to make or characteristics/skills you want to adopt/cultivate and get to work. Cut out self-doubt, stop waiting for the perfect time, dust off your running shoes, or guitar, or stack of books, or passport, and start living a life that makes you proud, excited, fulfilled, and joyful. If you’re comparing yourself to someone else or still pining over your ex and wishing they’d want you back, use that to your advantage, as fuel. It doesn’t matter if it’s starting in negativity, sometimes negativity is one of our best motivators and often it’s temporary. You may start out on a journey because you want to make someone jealous but I can almost guarantee that won’t be why you finish it. And once you’re living your best life and happy with yourself and what you’re doing, it won’t much matter who is or isn’t by your side because you’ll be self-sufficient and invincible.
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