note: this is a raw, rough-edited post that just poured out of my fingertips & is demanding to be posted without further thought or editing. i’ve long neglected this blog & seek to use it as an outlet more. thanks for riding this emotional roller coaster with me.
i know i generally post some pretty personal stuff but this one is going above & beyond. i’ve grappled with whether or not to share parts of this, or to share it at all. but my bones are aching to write it.
[please note: i provide all this content not as an excuse to dredge up old shit, but to provide context for why this effects me so strongly. with only bits & pieces i would seem a bit insane. over the past year i have found ways to let go of what she has done to me, to respect her relationship, & to care for myself in a way that make wanting her back in my life impossible. i have found lots of closure but clearly, as yesterday taught me, still have a ways to go.]
last summer my ex cheated on me & left me shortly thereafter, supposedly to be single for the first time in her adult life, but apparently in actuality it was to be with the woman she had been seeing. she broke up with me after completely ignoring me for 2 days straight, was 2 hours late to finally meet to have the conversation, & she parked in 2 hour parking in order to deliver the news. to say the least, i felt worthless. & the kicker was, i actually told her i was proud of her for doing it.
in the following days & weeks i stopped responding to her completely. this deeply upset her & she began ratcheting up her behavior, lashing out, vaguely threatening me, demanding money i actually didn’t owe her, blackmailing me with my relationship with my mom, & ultimately involving her in the process. it was ugly, painful, & completely unlike the person i had loved. she admitted it was because i wasn’t responding & she was trying to get my attention.
2 months later, i got an extremely aggressive text from her while at work, using some disgusting & condescending language. when i told her she must speak to me with basic human decency & respect, she replied “lol fuck you.”
that day i blocked her on my phone but happened to run into her & her new gf that night. i was a couple drinks in so i just smiled at the fucked up situation & asked how they were while i kept walking. a few minutes later she liked a post of mine on instagram, a random one without any implicit meaning. it felt like a jab to the ribs, just a reminder she could still get to me.
the next day, she came into where i work. this was the first time she had been in since i had started working there a few months before. i panicked & felt trapped, i couldn’t leave but also couldn’t confront her, i stood in the store shaking as she meandered around selecting a few items before leaving. i had to ask for a break, left crying, & smoked a cigarette. the timing of it all felt too intentional.
in the following weeks she made multiple appearances, some also with her girlfriend. they lived & worked on the other side of the island with multiple other farm stands & health food stores available to them. one time they both came in while the gf bought a single item: a muffin. i began to feel cornered, & harassed.
fast forward to this spring, she found my new instagram account (the only outlet where she wasn’t blocked) & randomly liked a meaningless picture. it felt like she just wanted me to know she could still see me.
i came home & started working at the farm again. while i haven’t seen her/them, i’ve heard from coworkers that they have been in, either on days i was off or in the back doing something else. every minute of every day i am there (40+ hours a week) i am riddled with anxiety. i constantly scan the floor looking for either of them, & am always on edge at any minute they might come in.
finally i broke down & reached out to her. i didn’t ask her to change her behavior, i didn’t feel like i have any right to, i simply stated how it made me feel, that it impacts me greatly & triggers my eating disorder & sobriety (both of which aren’t her responsibility but are my reactions to uncontrollable situations) & i told her to do whatever she deemed fit. she said she wasn’t going to stop coming in.
yesterday her girlfriend tried to come in to sell a painting to my coworker despite being asked to drop it all anywhere other than the farm. i left work early in a panic, in tears, & had a bit of a meltdown. i was frantically texting one friend that i wanted to quit, that i couldn’t change them but could change myself, that it was the only way out for me, for my sanity. i was talking to another & broke down, saying that i wished i could sit down with her & tell her how much she hurts me, let her see me crying & on the verge of leaving a community that has been so wonderful, so healthy, so happy, so healing for me, & how i wondered if she even remembered loving me. if she even remembered what it was like to want good things for me. if she even remembered that i have a heart at all.
today facebook reminded me that this time last year i posted this picture of us. i have since deleted all pictures of her or us so the ones on social media are all i have left. this image really struck me.
there was a time she loved me. she would have done anything for me, or so she said. a time when being confronted with my pain would have hurt her, impacted her in some way. i’m not sure who she is anymore. i’m not sure how she feels anymore. i just wish, so badly, that deep down somewhere inside her, she loved me enough to fully let me go & leave me be.
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