i have this weird tendency to not start a new journal because i feel like nothing will be good enough to start off a new journey—like i need something really special to get it going.
i feel similarly about this blog.
i read over my old posts and remember all the others i promised myself i would write, about the women’s full moon circle and celebration in costa rica, or our silent meditation walk home. about my meditative and spiritual experience with the waves i had one day at the beach, traveling across costa rica by bus alone without a phone, doing an ayahuasca ceremony. about finding my way to the crystal land, transporting ayahuasca plants there, participating in a rainbow gathering. about meeting a friend who had taken a vow of silence but made me giggle anyway, sitting on the floor of the overcrowded bus together or sharing strangers’ leftovers at the bus stop cafeteria we had lunch at along the way. i feel like i shouldn’t move forward until those are done.
and maybe one day they will be but today is not that day. today i am sitting on the terrace of my hostel in morocco, listening to arabic music, basking in the gentle sun of wintertime in north africa. today i am moving forward with whatever i have, as it is, as i am.
my current view as i write this post
(the rest of this post is copied from my journal from my first night here…)
this time i am just jumping in. after a few weeks of this trip causing me anxiety, of expectations & projections, after months of the entire thing feeling surreal, i am here. after 24hrs of travel, i’ve arrived in marrakech, morocco.
when i got to the airport in london i just kept thinking “why didn’t i pick some place easier? more comfortable. where i could get a manicure, drink lattes, and be surrounded by familiar culture.”
then i landed in morocco and remembered why. because i’m not a basic bitch. because i’ve been craving drastic.
because this isn’t about being comfortable.
in fact, it’s just the opposite. there is still a part of me that doubts myself, that fears i’m all talk and no game.
baby’s got game.
i want to push myself to the most extreme i can find—just to prove i can handle it. i want to squash any doubts, rise above any challenges, i want to find my limits, and break them.
i am unstoppable.
i am resilient.
i am strong.
i am capable.
i am open.
i am learning.
i am accepting.
this whole trip is about manifesting, and i am starting that right now.
as soon as i got in the shuttle to come to the hostel, i felt at ease. at home. comfortable. the unknown excites me. i’ve been queasy and tired all day and now i feel confident and energized. i am curious. i am exploring. i am unfolding. i am a traveler. this lights me up.
i cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings. the colors, energies, sights, sounds, smells. the tastes.
morocco, you’re stealing my heart.
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