“it’s just money…”

if you ask people “who run the world?” you’ll get two answers: “GIRLS!” (correct answer) & “money,” the unfortunately all too true answer. money is real. as someone who was raised in & continues to live in a middle class world, who is college educated with access to spaces that require class privilege to unlock, i do not mean to be flippant. but here’s the thing i’ve learned: money doesn’t matter. it’s just money.

whoa whoa whoa, back it up. you need money to live, right? well, yes, often times that is true. but not always. i have lived in a community that exists without money, the crystal land in costa rica. i’ve experienced a rainbow gathering, where monetary transactions are banned. i have watched something come out of nothing, i have lived for free, i have been gifted food, shelter, and love without paying one cent.

i have also manifested money. last year while i was on my road trip, i was running low on funds. i kept checking my bank account & reviewing my budget & i just kept thinking “if i just had $1,000 more i would be okay.” that week i was paid $300 for a horse sitting gig i was expecting to do for free, & my last paycheck from work was almost $800, although i honestly couldn’t figure out why.

later in that same trip when i got low on money again & had a similar thought, i shit you not, more money just appeared in my account. i had been checking my balance & knew what it was, & a few days later when i checked again, it was almost $300 more. no records of deposits, refunds, or anything else. the number was just simply higher.

you’re probably thinking i’m crazy, or that i misread it, & trust me, i thought the same at first. but then things started happening, quickly, and they were only able to unfold because i was able to put myself in certain places at certain times.

let me take a moment for a hella privilege check, & to acknowledge some of the safety nets i have. first of all, i have an incredible credit score, which i can largely attribute to my dad paying off bills in my name as soon as i turned 18. this enables me to have a very high limit on my credit card, & the fact that i continuously pay off my full statement before it is due keeps it that way.

secondly, i have my parents, who i try not to rely on but know deep down would bail me out of a situation, or buy a plane ticket home for me. i am also always able to live at home with them while i get back on my feet, if need be.

lastly, i’m from martha’s vineyard, a playground for the rich & famous, where i am able to live for very cheap (i rent a shed & can live at home), work multiple jobs, & save a tremendous amount of money in a few short months.

here’s the thing though: i used to panic about money, last year, and most of this year as well. i compulsively checked my bank account, budgeted, picked up extra shifts, etc. etc. & every time i have come to a place where i just let it go, it comes back to me.

recently, i’ve been panicking about money again. this is natural, at the beginning of a lengthy trip. although my flights & a lot of what i’m doing is already paid for, i have already incurred more expenses than i had planned for. i’ve also treated myself to a few things, like a beautiful handmade rug, an antique camel leather poof, & a couple nice meals (i mean like $15, not 5-star with bottles). money has been leaving my account much more quickly than i had expected, & for a while it felt like the world was crumbling out from under me.

i found myself getting really anxious, & even really angry when it came to money. a couple times in morocco i was conned out of a bit of change (we’re talking $5-30) & noticed that my reaction was of anger, & entitlement. i felt like that was MY money that i should have been able to spend on a nice meal! or a higher quality scarf. i felt rage & resentment bubbling up inside of me & realized, whoa. i was letting money control me. i was letting it dictate my life & my emotions.

then i chose to shift my perspective. it’s just money. it comes & it goes & comes again. if i run out of it, i can use the last bits of it, or my credit card, to buy a plane ticket home. i can live with my parents & find some part time work. i will be just fine. money is temporary & it is designed to be as such.

…then i found a kitten. anyone who knows me knows that i have more than a soft spot for animals, they are my life. i spent thousands of dollars shipping a cancer-ridden dog with an autoimmune disorder home from belize to the US & getting her life-saving treatment. my house & backyard is full of wayward strays i have taken in, or convinced my parents to do so, & with their financial, physical, & emotional help we care for some 20+ critters. i’ve taken on animals and cared for them while finding them a new home, i’ve offered support & logistical resources to friends trying to adopt, & i’ve even given friends money so they could take on a rescue critter or their own. there is nothing i wouldn’t do for an animal in need.

so when i found a sick, stinky, infected street kitten, i didn’t even hesitate to pick her up & book it to my hostel to pick up the wad of cash i had just withdrawn the day before. she ended up costing me a bit over $100 but i would have spent double that, or more, if need be. i would have canceled the rest of my trip if it meant being able to use the funds instead to save her life.

in the cab ride to the vet i started to panic, those feelings of anxiety & attachment to money came creeping in. i breathed deep. i asked myself what was important to me, & the answer was not the numbers in my bank account. it was the crying, squirming, little life i held in a shoebox in my hands.

naturally, like with most things in my life, i posted about her on instagram. in my explanation of the story i mentioned being out $100 from the ordeal but not minding. after lunch i headed back to my hostel, exhausted, smelling like infected cat, sweaty, & with blistered feet from my frantic run around the city that morning. as instagram likes started rolling it, so did $50 on venmo from a friend. the subject line: emojis of a cat & heart.

just a few days prior, i was texting some of my dearest friends in a group chat, expressing my stress & anxiety about being harassed constantly in morocco. i told them i was thinking of leaving, & was looking for cheap flights to anywhere. germany was the cheapest option, & just earlier last month i was saying how next year i wanted to go to see their christmas markets. kismet, i thought. but again, the anxiety crept in about money. morocco may be filled with harassment but it’s hella cheap. i would’ve been able to save a chunk of change by staying but my heart was calling me away.

again, a venmo transaction popped up, $40 from one of my best friends. “go to germany, merry christmas!” my flight only cost $15 but i needed to check a bag to bring some of the leather & goods that i had bought in morocco to europe to ship home. by the time i added a checked bag, it came to $44.67.

this morning, i boarded a train at 630am to go to the airport & catch my flight to barcelona. on my second day in munich i had taken the train to a museum. a cop standing in the station saw me struggling (the train ticket machine was only in german) so he came to help me. he didn’t speak very good english but i thought we had an understanding. i told him i needed it for 3 days, he clicked a few buttons, & i paid, & was on my way. i thought it was a bit less than i had expected but i didn’t question it. i used it once that day then put it in my wallet.

i was sitting on the train this morning when the police came through to check tickets. at first i thought i had lost mine, but found it in the depths of my little wallet. relieved, i handed it over. “no,” he said “this is wrong.” my heart dropped. i explained to him that a cop had helped me buy it & i wasn’t sure what i was doing. i asked him if i could pay for it now. “sixteen,” i thought i heard him say, so i handed him a 20€ note. he shook his head “six-TEE” he said forcefully. i tried to talk my way out of it but those germans, very strict. i handed over 60€ & fought back tears.

i felt ashamed, cheated, robbed even. i felt overwhelming tired, & like i didn’t belong. i felt like going home. like the universe was trying to tell me that it would just keep taking from me until i gave up.

then it came to me, very clearly in my head, “it’s just money.” what? i asked my mysterious brain voice that sometimes delivers me these messages. “it’s just money,” i heard again. deep breath in. deep breath out. it’s just money. it’s just money. it is what it is & i can’t stop or control it. it will come & it will go. money is just money.

this evening i posted on instagram again, & expressed that sentiment. i said those exact words. it’s just money. by this time, i felt it ring true in my heart. i was no longer angry, or ashamed, or feeling betrayed by some cosmic money-thief. i was counting my blessings & moving forward.

another one of my best friends & i were texting, & she said how much she liked that sentiment. we chatted for a little about it, & our conversation moved on.

another venmo notification. $60 with a note “don’t let anyone or anything ruin your holiday.”

the more i let go, the more i welcome in. the more i hold on, the more i push away the exact things that i want. i have felt & learned this to be true with other things in life, things i wanted to do, people i wanted to see or meet, places i wanted to go. i have even manifest two animals who appeared exactly as i had imagined and wanted them to, just days or weeks after i set my intentions for them. but money, that’s a much harder one. a much scarier one.

earlier this year i felt a calling to get rid of all my purchased belongings & only keep things that were gifted to me. there were some logistical issues with this but i recognize that it was largely my own fear that prevented me from following through.

i think it’s time to let go, let come, & let be. my faith is being restored as i challenge myself to change my perspective & open up my heart, my consciousness, my body, & my world, & my wallet to the infinite possibilities of the ever-wise, always knowing, always giving, & perpetually providing universe.