wasque wanderer

I have been trying to capture the beauty, simplicity, power, and perfection of this place and have struggled with its articulation. Today felt like a complete embodiment of everything that is good, holy, and nourishing about this life.

I woke up at 5:45 with the late sunrise and howler monkeys. This is actually sleeping in for me as the early light surrounds my mosquito net 360 degrees since there are no walls. I grabbed my yoga mat and attended a class taught by my talented, open, and generous classmate and friend at the highest point of the farm, surrounded by the morning jungle noises and first bits of bright light piercing through the trees. Just as we are all in shavanasa closing our practice, the conch shell is blown, signaling that meal time is soon.

We all gathered for breakfast, sharing the chores of setting the table and carrying out the food, giggling and swapping stories between those who stayed up late getting drunk on the homemade mead, and those who retired early to the comfort of the cicadas and their own mosquito-free haven. There is a communal opening and closing to each meal, as we come together to set the table and enjoy the bountiful spread, then disperse one by one or in pairs as we chatter and clean our dishes, clear the table, and set off getting ready for the day.

After suiting up and grabbing our towels and water bottles we head off together, the group of us nine, feeling more like a family than a cluster of people who one week ago were strangers forgetting each other’s names. The chatter and energy is especially upbeat as this was our first free day, and we were all excited to go to town and the beach.

We scamper down the two mile rocky driveway as a jolly little pack. Once we hit the main road we stop for fresh coconuts to drink, and two decide to pair off and hitchhike the rest of the way. After another stretch of bicycle, scooter, and car-filled road our hosts pull over and offer the rest of us a ride, they were on their way to the farmers market to pick up essentials for the week from their fellow farmers and friends. Seven of us cram into the seats and trunk, sweating out the last few minutes practically on top of each other.

It’s a unanimous decision to stop of the farmers market first and we quickly scatter like kids in a candy store. Jungle juice (a probiotic ginger ale), reusable menstrual products, jewelry, produce, bags and sweet baked goods tempt us as we wander, constantly grabbing each other with excitement to point out something we know they would like. I make my way to the chocolate table where the cacao farmers offer samples of lotus chocolate and tell us the creation story of cacao, how three sisters were tested by a god who ended up turning them into the cacao tree and her two closest relatives. I gladly come away with two bars (including one made from the three sisters) and a beautiful charcoal soap made from biochar they made out of sticks from the farm, a process we had just learned about this week and cleared a patch of jungle in order to produce.

Next stop: the local coffee shop where if you know who to ask for, you can also buy weed. They have “damn good” coffee, their sign says, but the real treat is asking the folks there to surprise you with one of their incredible juices. Mine turns out to be some sort of banana, lime, ginger slice of heaven that makes me forget my face is already burning.

Next a few of us split off to find a woman, Sagu, who backpacks around the world with her beautiful baby daughter and makes incredible jewelry. Our friend had met her at a hostel in town and we had all waited to buy jewelry until we could get it from her. She has a stunning spread, earrings made from feathers she collected in the Amazon, stones she had picked up throughout central and South America, and pieces wrapped either in wire or woven wax-covered cotton string. Her work is impeccable but her energy is even more amazing. She lays out raw stones for us, we flutter around them, touching everything and gawking and it as if we had never seen anything like it before, as if we hadn’t done this at least 50 different times, each time telling each other to “look, look at this one!” We hold them and do kinetic energy tests, seeing which we react strongest to, and she makes custom wired-wrapped necklaces for us on the spot, her fingers working with speed and precision as she effortlessly rattles off names and places of origin of each of the stones we admire and inquire about.

By this point we’re ravenous, having long burnt off the farm-fresh eggs, homemade chili sauce, beans, and fruit salad with the neighbors goat yogurt, bee pollen, and cacao from the property that we had for breakfast. We find a cool spot with fresh mint lemonade, delicious food, and wifi, so we stop, but get too caught up in yet another phenomenal, heart-opening conversation and end up neglecting our phones and high-speed internet anyway. This type of connection is the one we’ve come to crave, the spotty wifi at the farm and the passion we all have been sharing all week have fostered a community in real life, not on social media. By this time the sun is weakening, still warm and humid but no longer oppressive, and we wander back towards the beach for a dip before heading home.

Passing Sagu we stop to play with her baby, then stumble upon the rest of the group at the beach next to a bar that a few of them have been taking advantage of using. We join those in the water, come back for a quick doobie, and a few of us head off to make it home by dark.

We take a different path out out of town, not along the road but instead between the beach and jungle, an edge environment or ecosystem as we had learned in lecture yesterday, and fall into silence other than the occasion comment about how unbelievably stunning the scenery is. The jungle thins out just in time for us to recognize the chocolate bar our hosts had told us about, where we welcome the walk-in fridge with chocolate samples, and giggle at how lucky we are to have our own farm-fresh cacao nibs in our breakfast every morning.

The path ends shortly thereafter and the road is directly next to the beach. We hear bizarre noises we think at first are coming from a passing scooter, but then recognize the familiar howler monkey call coming from right above us. We look up to see a cluster of monkeys in the trees, including a baby monkey learning how to navigate the highest, smallest branches. Its movement is so clumsy compared to the balance and grace of the adults, and a few times I take sharp breaths fearing that it will fall. Of course it doesn’t.

By this point the buildings have thinned out to a few restaurants, shops, and cafes, with more green space in between them all. Everything is quieter and we feel more at home than in the hustle and bustle of the upbeat surf town with locals and tourists alike flocking to the beach for the weekend, and the great waves. The sun is just starting to set and dusk is settling over the jungle. As we turn onto our gravel road we use the budding moonlight for as long as possible before resorting to our flashlights. We continue commenting on how perfect the day was. We startle up a poisonous coral snake, a good reminder to always use our lights even when the moonlight is as strong as the almost-full glow it currently casts, and I feel a deep sense of appreciation for the creatures who allow me to share their home with them, despite having the option of removing me from their environment.

As we chat about the beautiful beach weather and amazing sun we were able to absorb and enjoy today, I think to myself how I hope we have a bit of a rain tonight. I am a water baby so the rain always makes me happy, and there is something so special about how it falls in the electric, thriving jungle. It is the lifeblood of the life-death-life cycle and has become as much a part of my day as breathing. Just as we get home (truly, no place that I’ve been for only one week has ever felt so wholly and fully like home) and get to the showers, a light rain is pitter-pattering on the tin roof. We all giggle and comment on its serendipitous timing as we enjoy the cool, gravity fed, rain-water shower system. This time of day only cold water is available since the heating system is a black coiled hose the is warmed by the sun, but this evening the water isn’t as cold as it can be at 6am when I’m coming back from my run.

Now we’re making dinner in the kitchen, or as our host put it, the heart of this farm and the shrine to all that we do here; the alter on which we prepare our offerings of nutrition, intention, and love to ourselves, to each other, and back to the land that we work to protect, cultivate. The land we work with and for, the space for which we are forever in awe. For every bit of nutrients we grow we work to give back in abundance, to establish a cycle of gains, growth and sustainable use, for us and for the future of this planet, regardless of our existence on it.

I came here hungry to learn, excited to delve into the context books and lectures would provide, and the hands on experience of working the earth with my hands and heart. What I have received permeates beyond that into something much deeper, into the exact power source I have been looking to tap into, which is in the doing, the being, the fully engaged experience where we live, breath, wake, sleep, eat, and consume this lifestyle as a holistic, community-based and run ecosystem. This is so much more than I ever could have hoped for, and what I have learned from the people in this program and the jungle we all hold in our hearts as so sacred is more than I ever could have imagined.

I am dripping with gratitude and joy. I am blessed, honored, and humbled to be a part of this incredible earth and all of her extraordinary creations. Thank you, thank you, thank you, sweet, wise, beautiful universe, for landing me smack dab in the middle of my dream world. I will work the rest of my life to achieve this level of harmonious vibration, and to spread this exceptional gift.

Seven months ago I was in the middle of heartbreak. I was smoking cigarettes and weed, drinking, starving myself, purging, over exercising, and too anxious to work. I had just lost the job I had been planning to return to in Vermont, the girlfriend I was planning on going back there with, and therefore the beautiful apartment we had picked to live in for our second year together. I had also just quit the job I had at home, and was bleeding money because I was going out drinking too much. My body was a wreck, my mind a mess, and my soul…had probably left my body in order to preserve itself. I felt lost, betrayed, alone, broken, confused, and entirely lacking direction. I had essentially agreed to put my life on hold for two years while my ex finished her degree, and the only plans I had for the future were built around her. We were going to hike The Long Trail, travel South America, and love and laugh our way through the rest of our lives together. I was even considering abandoning my lifelong dream of creating a healing sanctuary/alternative community because she didn’t want to be a part of it. My eating disorder and anxiety were ruling (and destroying) my life and my bank account was reminding me that my options were limited.

I remember laying in bed one day, after running myself sick and vomiting all morning, staring at the wall where the dried lavender she had picked for me hung, thinking about the woman she had cheated on me with and for whom she left me. I knew she had traveled, was a yoga and spin instructor, that they landscaped together, and she designed her own tattoos. For some reason, these small bits of information drove me insane. I built her up in my mind as this mystical, magical, ripped, worldly goddess with whom I could never compete. After all, there had to be something drastically better about her if my ex was willing to throw away over a year of beauty and growth with me to pursue her. I laid there and I imagined how I wished I was, a vegan, Spanish-speaking, traveling, yoga and meditation doing, runner, who made her own kombucha and kimchi, played a string instrument, knew about the lunar cycle, and had found a sense of spirituality. I scoffed, cried, and thought to myself “there’s no way I could ever get from here, this filthy, ignorant, unhealthy lifestyle, to there.” That thought was immediately followed by one of those thoughts that wasn’t even mine, one that I didn’t conjure up in my consciousness but came from a deeper place, my unconscious, the universe, a goddess, however you understand those messages that come to you without your consent, “yes you absolutely can. You just have to start right now.”

I wish I could say, “and so I did! I never touched a cigarette again, I found god(dess), I began furiously reading about nutrition and herbalism, I became celibate, I meditated & fasted for 21 days and I was reborn.” But I’m human, and we’re messy, and our egos are complex, and we are stubborn, funny little creatures.

In my day-to-day life, the changes were vastly more subtle than that, yet as I reflect on the past half-year, the changes suddenly seem quite rapid. Just like most westerns, I feel like change isn’t extreme enough unless it happens immediately, I wanted that instant gratification, I wanted my new life to be exactly how I imagined and hoped it would be right-the-fuck-now.

Well, clearly that wasn’t going to happen. And even thought I felt that my life was so completely broken and fucked in that moment that it could and should have spurred drastic, immediate change, I knew it wasn’t realistic. So I took a deep breath. I picked one thing. Not eating meat, the absence of doing something, that seemed easy enough. I started there. I slipped up. I had been a vegetarian for 10 years but that was over 3 years ago and meat is really tasty. But it was something, and all I needed was something to hold onto.

This blog is about my journey into the person I have always wanted to be, the person I imagined, both out of jealousy and competition with this other woman but mostly the person I had craved to become for as long as I could remember. It’s about the fuck-ups, the losses, the gains, the stumbling, the discovering, the learning, the growing, the evolving, the relapsing, the doing, becoming, undoing, and creating that has defined the past seven months and continues to shape my future. It’s about love, loss, heartache, sex, food, health, spirituality, herbalism, yoga, exercise, homesteading, travel, meditation, writing, art, support, forgiveness, sobriety, energy, our very existence and purpose in life. This is documentation of my unfolding and exposing the perfection that has always existed within me, the dreams that I thought were intangible that turned out to be blossoming inside my chest without me even knowing.

Mom, I’m sorry for some of the things I’ll be writing about. You’ll have to hear me talk about sex and drugs and things that will likely make you and any other relatives uncomfortable. But you had to have known that these would all be facets of my life when you first held me. All the mess, all the shit, all the beauty, it’s all part of what you agreed to let me experience when you brought me into this world. It’s all part of my journey, and the paths of so many other people. So many other souls that feel trapped inside impossibility with bodies and minds waiting to discover that they’ve actually been whole and flourishing that entire time. So many other people who are waiting, searching, expecting the life they want to just land in their lap one day, or to be available for purchase on Amazon Prime. It’s the blood, sweat, and tears that need to be exposed and made vulnerable, that need to be discussed and worshipped, that need acknowledgement and validation and expression. It’s for you. It’s for me. It’s for anyone and everyone who is willing to entertain my ramblings and maybe even find bits of words that resonate with them and help launch them into their own periods of rapid growth. Or slow change. Or whatever they need in that moment because we are the wisest, most capable, and best equipped for handling, holding, and nourishing our own minds, bodies, and souls.

What I have learned may not apply to you. Honestly, it’s not supposed to. I cannot tell you or anyone else what to do, how to live, where to find happiness. Only you can do that. Only you have the answers and information that you need in order to move forward with a life that you can be proud of, can be content with, can finding meaning in. All I can do is share my experiences, and be honest about my journey. This is a way for me to track and express the massive amounts of growth and change and blossoming and evolving and flourishing that I have done and continue to do every day. A way for me to express the messages that have been and continue to be exploding out of my chest with enthusiasm, excitement, and electricity.

I’m just one soul stumbling through this beautiful universe in a body that I believe is sacred. I believe in the plan that is unfolding before me, in the divine who holds and supports me, in forgiveness, in vulnerability. Everything in moderation, including change. Come learn with me.

I’ve had one ex who killed my cat & cheated on me with and then left me for my best friend, one who moved in with someone who sexually assaulted me shortly after I disclosed to her about the incident, and one who left me for the woman she cheated on me with, then proceeded to drop out of college to travel around Thailand with her. So, to say the least, I’ve had some practice in letting go. How have I managed to not go insane? Here are some insights and tips that I’ve discovered along the way. As always, take what you want, leave what doesn’t work, and don’t compare yourself or your progress to me or any other individual. You are on your own healing journey, your feelings are valid, and your circumstances are unique. Honor yourself, your emotions, your experiences, and your path.

Give them their humanity back

Your ex may be an asshole but they are still an autonomous human who is deserving or such recognition. You do not own them, are not entitled to their time or space, and must respect that they are on their own path in life. You may not agree with what they did or how they treated you, or how or why they left, but they still had every right to, just like you have every right to move on and cope however you see fit. You wouldn’t want them controlling or judging your behavior, do your best to not do that to them. Think of them and the situation as if it were a close friend of yours. What if your best friend cheated on their partner, left them, and was really happy with someone new? I mean yeah, you might judge them a little, you might even give them a little speech about morals, finding themselves, whatever, but ultimately you’d let it work itself out and would support them and their happiness, even if you didn’t fully agree with it. Now turn this thinking to your ex. Harder, I know, but it’s the same shit. You might not think it’s the best path for them, you may think what they did was shitty or reflects some of their flaws, but ultimately you have to give them the space and autonomy to do whatever they think is best given their perspective and situation.

Recognize the lessons they taught you

Sometimes lessons come in the form of learning what you don’t want, who you don’t want to be, or the kind of relationship you don’t want to ever engage in again. Whether they taught you that you need to stand up for yourself and articulate your needs more, that you never want to do non-monogamy again, or that you should listen to your gut when you start seeing red flags, recognize the ways in which they have help you grow and form your perspective on yourself and future relationships. Often times the most important lessons are the most painful ones to learn. & they’re not always bad! Remember this was a person you connected with and admired, someone who at some point made you feel really good. Maybe they helped you boost your self-confidence, encouraged you to quit your shitty job and find your happiness, or taught you how to cook your favorite meal. Maybe they fucked you over and you learned what you do not want in your next partner. Whatever the lessons and however they came to you, be thankful for the opportunities to learn about yourself, how you interact with others, and ultimately grow.

 

Stop comparing yourself to them, or their new partner(s)

A trusted friend once said to me “just because your ex left you for someone else doesn’t mean they’re better than you, in fact it probably means they’re worse because they’re good for your shitty ex.” Okay so it’s drenched in a little negativity, but sometimes that helps. Whenever I find myself comparing myself or what I’m doing to an ex’s new partner or what they’re doing together, I remind myself to find happiness where I am, and in what I’m doing. Sometimes I’m driving along having a great day, singing and laughing to a song I love, and suddenly a thought crosses my mind and I find myself dragged down into negativity and jealousy. In these moments I remind myself that I was just having fun and have been really happy with where I am. So what I might be in Texas while they’re in Thailand, I have friends here that I love, there’s beauty all around me, and the sun is shining. There is nothing better or worse about what I’m doing vs. what they’re doing if it’s making me happy. And if I’m doing something that isn’t making me happy, well shit, it’s about time to change that.

Remember to celebrate queer love

We as queers have a long (& ongoing) history of being told our love isn’t valid. No matter how shitty your partner was/is, no matter how much they hurt you, remember to celebrate the love you had & made together, and if it applies, try to honor the love they have now. Even if it makes your stomach churn or your head spin with jealousy, remember that the world will always be a better place when we send good energy toward queer relationships in general. Okay I know, this is asking way, way more than more people are capable of handling, and trust me, I’m not there yet either. But whenever I find myself cursing an ex and their current partner, I gently remind myself that on principle, I do not want to be sending negativity toward any queers. This isn’t to say that queers can’t dislike, disagree with, or even hate each other, of course we are capable of that and it is also valid. This is to say, however, that if you’re able, try to push yourself toward acceptance of what they have found. All love is valid, and queer love especially needs this validation. (For my hetero folks, I guess just remember to celebrate love in general. No matter how painful it is for you, it is still a beautiful thing.)

Nothing belongs to you, nothing is permanent

Not even this beautiful life you live. Everything is passing, fleeting, evolving, changing, and endings are a part of that. The comforting part of this, however, is that the pain you are feeling is also temporary. While it may always be a part of you, it will fade with time. We have a tendency to get so wrapped up in relationships and put so much unnecessary importance on them. Yes, of course, love is a powerful, magical, life-changing force, but relationships are always temporary. Even if you end up with someone for the rest of your life, you’re both going to die. Nothing is truly “forever” (cheery thoughts, I know). There was a “you” before this relationship and there is & will be a “you” after it too. Think about your first love, your first heartbreak, your high school sweetheart, or even your elementary school heartthrob. Remember how all-encompassing that felt? Remember how you were sure you wouldn’t survive without them? How that person was your whole universe and your world revolved around them? Now reflect back on that person, that situation. I know I still adore the relationship I had with my high school sweetheart, but shit am I glad I’m not with him today. Things come together when they are supposed to & come to a close when they are supposed to. Let everything run its course and enter into every new situation, romantic and otherwise, with the understanding that it too will pass. We seem to have no problem understanding this when it comes to having pets, getting a puppy knowing it will inevitably someday die, yet we have such different expectations when it comes to relationships. Learning to let go, and learning to enter into new situations with the understanding of them temporality, is one of the most useful skills we can teach ourselves. There’s a reason why Buddhism puts so much emphasis on this.

The universe has a plan for you, and it is unfolding as it should

How many times in your life has something happened, fallen apart, stopped, changed, and in turn something else, possibly even something more perfect and beautiful, has formed in its place? There is no such thing as coincidence, only the universe (or god or the cosmos or however you want to visualize/articulate that) putting you exactly where you need to be, giving you exactly when you need to have, and teaching you exactly what you need to learn. It might not make sense now, it usually doesn’t when you’re in the thick of it, but one day you will look back on this and see so clearly how it shifted your trajectory to land you right where you should and were destined to end up. When feelings, thoughts, and your current situation get you down, lean into this larger truth and let it hold you. There is always something bigger at play, try to trust that your path is leading you to ultimate happiness, contentment, and peace.

Give all that wasted energy back to yourself

How much time have you spent dwelling on what they did, didn’t do, how they did it, who they did it with, etc. etc.? How much have you gained from that? Probably not much, I’d go so far as to guess literally nothing good, maybe a migraine, stomachache, and hangover. Now what if you took all that time, energy, money even, and invested it in yourself and your happiness? What if all that time you spent learning something new, reading those books you’ve been wanting to get to, exploring a new nature trail, working out, or traveling? A lot of the time we come out of a relationship feeling bitter about how much we gave to that person, which is useless twofold. First of all, stop regretting giving to someone that you loved and cared for, if you put conditions on your generosity you shouldn’t be giving in the first place. Secondly, you’re wasting your precious time and energy on something that should be in the past. Invest in yourself, in your future, in your happiness.

Let go of right and wrong

My therapist pushed me to stop seeing right/wrong as ultimatums and instead see them as social constructs (shout out to my feminist and sociology folks, you know what’s up). Ready for your mind to be fucked and your world to get turned on its head? Apply this to every part of your life. There is no right or wrong, just people having experiences and making the best decision they are capable of given their perspective and understanding of their situation. So maybe my ex fell madly in love while still dating me and even though she said she knew she needed to be single for the first time in her adult life, she caved into those powerful feelings. Yeah, sucks for me, but only because I had projected a future onto her, had felt that she was somehow obligated to me, had assumed I had control over her/her feelings/our relationship/the universe’s plan for both of us. I spent a lot of time thinking she was wrong, and it didn’t get or give me shit. Once I started seeing her decisions as simply being the best she could muster given the information and experiences she had at the time, I found a lot more room in my heart for forgiveness, acceptance, and understanding. Remember how I said to think of your ex like your (platonic) best friend? Carry that idea into this concept. Be gentle, and recognize that we are all just bumbling fools trying to make the best choices we know how given what is in front of us and inside of us.

Live your best life

It’s hard to feel shitty about someone else when you’re constantly preoccupied with your own happiness. It’s also hard to be jealous of anyone else when you’re elated by your own life. Are you feeling inadequate, unlovable, jealous, or anything else that puts you down and/or holds someone else up? Great, take that and use it. Don’t wallow around in self-pity and sorrow (edit: you have full permission to wallow around in self-pity and sorrow, just keep it brief and make it constructive) make a list of changes you want to make or characteristics/skills you want to adopt/cultivate and get to work. Cut out self-doubt, stop waiting for the perfect time, dust off your running shoes, or guitar, or stack of books, or passport, and start living a life that makes you proud, excited, fulfilled, and joyful. If you’re comparing yourself to someone else or still pining over your ex and wishing they’d want you back, use that to your advantage, as fuel. It doesn’t matter if it’s starting in negativity, sometimes negativity is one of our best motivators and often it’s temporary. You may start out on a journey because you want to make someone jealous but I can almost guarantee that won’t be why you finish it. And once you’re living your best life and happy with yourself and what you’re doing, it won’t much matter who is or isn’t by your side because you’ll be self-sufficient and invincible.

 

Hi y’all,

Sorry for the epic delay in posting, it’s been one hell of a ride! I will work on backlogging a few posts and context so please bear with me, in the meantime I’m just going to start posting what is ready to go. Enjoy!

Currently stumbling my way through learning about/attempting nutrition, exercise, yoga, meditation, farming, camping, road tripping, spirituality, and figuring out how to make the world and everyone I bump into along the way a little bit better.